Truest Life

Truest Life
By Janice C. Johnson

For Martha…

Just last week, a lost crayon might have caused you untold consternation. But now such troubles seem insignificant because bigger things occupy your mind. The real, grownup world waits just behind a door that stands slightly ajar for you. You have caught a glimpse of it through the narrow opening.

The other children, those who have not yet noticed the door, cannot understand. “Why don’t you want to go down the yellow slide?” Ah, but more daring adventures beckon you now. “Tommy won’t share the blocks!” You are not listening; this is none of your concern. With that light shining beyond the edge of the door, who can think of blocks?

Or dolls, or balloons… you are becoming aware of the promise of the future: the exhilaration of driving a car, or even flying. Building things—real things—with your own hands. Dancing a ballet, moving off to college, climbing a mountain. How can sidewalk chalk and mud pies hold your attention now?

Our childhood noises fade away for you as your hesitant steps draw closer to the door. It opens a bit wider. Your left hand reaches out to touch it. The light shines on your face, silhouetting your figure as we finally notice and begin to gather behind you. We have grown silent with awe, watching. For a moment we forget about the toys in our hands. You are seeing possibilities that stretch away beyond our childish dreams, yet something of what you see reflects from you and stirs our hearts.

We wait. You seem to rise on tiptoe and then, in one swift movement, the door swings open and you step through without a backward glance. We who are left behind look at each other, our blank faces turning thoughtful as the door closes with a soft click.

Finally our gaze returns to the toys we still hold. We will enjoy them again—perhaps tomorrow—but now we grasp them less tightly. For we have begun to suspect that, for us too, the truest part of life lies ahead.

Jesus said… “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die…”
(John 11:25, New International Version)

Thanks for reading,
Jan

Posted in A Page From My Journal, Grief Anticipated | 20 Comments

A Time for Silence

Hello, Friends,

Normally you see a new post here twice a week. But now a beloved member of my extended family is gravely ill. I do not expect to blog over the next week or so. Rather than just disappear for a time, I wanted to explain my silence and invite you to pray for my family, if you are so inclined. I especially wanted to let my Company Girls friends know.

Meanwhile, I am gaining comfort from this passage in the New Testament book of Romans, chapter 8, verses 31-35 and 38-39:

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (New International Version)

Thank you for your friendship and understanding.

In hope,
Jan

Posted in A Page From My Journal, Grief Anticipated | 15 Comments

Have You Finished Your Homework, MOM?

Several times I have mentioned returning to college as a middle-aged grownup person and finally earning a bachelor’s degree. Well, in the interests of full disclosure, I might as well tell you the whole story. I wrote this particular piece for a local-interest magazine (not the one I write for now) in 2005, a few weeks into my very first semester back in the classroom. Rather than start over and rewrite the same story for you, I’ll just post this “field account” telling How It All Began. I hope you enjoy it!

The idea came to me last March, so maybe it was spring fever. My sons were moving on, one to high school and the other to college. They aren’t little kids any more, and while they still need me, they just aren’t as much work. Sharing in our older son’s college plans brought back the excitement I felt when I started down the path of higher education–a path I had abandoned some twenty-five years ago. Then, too, my husband had settled into a great job, after years of industry ups and downs. We no longer needed my part-time income.

I had started college with high hopes right out of high school. A Chemistry major for the first two weeks (don’t ask), I put in four semesters studying Floriculture. With the foresight and diligence of the fabled grasshopper, I took the fun plant science courses and ignored many of the core courses. Finally, faced with Organic Chemistry and monthly rent, I dropped out and worked full-time to support my new husband and myself.

Meanwhile, my brother (the focused one) was piling up degrees, honors and awards the way some of us rake leaves. My sister went to college for just one semester after high school, but went back while she and her husband were raising two daughters. She earned a Bachelor’s degree and is now a CPA. My achievements? A pretty good dinner roll recipe and four unfinished cross-stitch projects.

So the wheels started turning. Working in desktop publishing had piqued my interest in our language and in communicating well. I had often thought that an English composition course would improve my career skills. What if I went ahead and earned a degree? For one thing, it would resolve that nagging “unfinished-work” regret. It would also be a way to repay my parents for all they invested in me. Maybe my younger son could help me with History. (Too bad I didn’t take all the History requirements in the ’70s, when there was less material to learn!) We discussed the idea as a family, and they all assured me of their undying support.

I still have to iron, though.

I drove to the local community college, left my minivan hulking inconspicuously between a couple of sleek sport cars, and threaded my way in past clusters of teenagers. Fortunately, there was a grownup at the front desk. She gave me an application and catalog, and explained that the transcripts I had yellowing in my files were not acceptable for admission. I would have to get official, sealed transcripts from each college I had attended.

Just filling out the application made me feel smarter. Thanks to the Internet, I had no trouble getting phone numbers for my old colleges, even though two of them had since changed names. The Registrar lady at A&M remarked that my transcript would be on microfiche. Frankly, I was relieved it wasn’t on stone tablets.

Next I met with an adviser at UT Arlington. We looked at how my old credit might fit into the English degree plan, an exercise somewhat like playing Yahtzee. To my relief, almost every hour of credit would count. I got all my paperwork in, the community college accepted me, and at last I was ready to select classes. The Fall 2005 schedule listed dates for Regular Registration, Late Registration, Early Registration, and Extra-Early-Anxious-Middle-Aged-Moms Registration.

Bingo.

It seemed wise to ease back into school, so I chose just two courses. Tough jobs first, I decided, and checked my all-time weak subject, Government. I added Economics because it has always interested me; besides, the two seem to go hand in hand. Might as well surround myself with controversy all at once. The great thing about core courses is all the available sections. I found back-to-back classes meeting just two mornings a week.

Now for the toughest hurdle of all: What am I going to wear to class? If you’re a man and are rolling your eyes, stop reading right now and go away. At my age it’s hard to find the right casual clothes. I’m not quite ready for the “retired grandma on a cruise” look; “business casual” is still too dressy; and my worst nightmare is coming off as if I am trying to impersonate a teenager. I finally had a brilliant idea: wear the clothes I’m comfortable in.

The first day of the semester arrived. I didn’t expect a bunch of nineteen-year-olds to be buddies with me, but would they at least accept me as a fellow human? Would anyone even talk to me, or would I be shunned as a hopeless geezer? As I approached my first class I expected to feel the old sense of intimidation and the need for approval I recalled from my past student days. But by the second week, the light began to dawn: I simply didn’t feel that way. Intimidated by a professor? He’s just a person doing his job, like anyone else. In fact, I’m older than he is. And as for needing approval from nineteen-year-old students… why? They’re smart, fun, and full of energy and ideas — in short, they remind me of my kids’ friends. I find myself offering my approval to them. I study hard, treat everyone with respect, joke around some, ask questions freely… and we get along just fine.

If your education has detoured like mine did, let me encourage you to get back on the path with me. Colleges, especially at the community level, have schedules and resources for “non-traditional” students. Financial aid is available if you need it, and just making a small start is a big step. (I will also cut you a deal on a used Government textbook.)

One more thing: no one is staring at your clothes. I wish I had known that when I was nineteen.

~~~~~
What long-dormant dreams are waiting for you to take action?

Thanks for reading!
Jan

Posted in I Remember When... (my OWN stories), Uncategorized | 15 Comments

Valentine Manure

I wonder what my women friends would think if their husbands / sweethearts gave them a bag of steer manure for Valentine’s Day. Yeah, I thought so. Ah, but for me, that spells Romance!

Now, before you start searching online for some prescription meds that might help me, I’d better back up a little and explain. First, I try almost every year to grow a vegetable garden. Second, the soil in our back yard is mostly heavy clay. Third, Valentine’s Day happens to fall just about when I’m tired of being cooped up indoors and am ready to get out there and dig in the dirt a little.

So it started, like many of our traditions did, as a bit of a joke. Years ago on a bright February day Brent was about to head to Home Depot or some such. He asked me whether I needed anything. “A bag of steer manure for the garden,” I said.

When he came back with the bag he plumped it down in the garden and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” We snickered about the incongruity of the “gift” and how his reputation would be ruined if word got out. But you know, it says a lot for Brent and for our understanding of each other that even if the steer manure was all he could afford, I would still be thrilled with it. Because he knows I love to garden, and supports my efforts. And because he knows it doesn’t matter whether or not society approves of this kind of gift. He just wants to give me something that will be meaningful to me.

"Moo-nure" -- fancy brand this year!!

It was a couple of days late this year, but I finally got it: my annual Valentine’s Day bags (two bags this time!) of steer manure for the garden. Meanwhile, I had two days to enjoy my roses and chocolates! Now to get out there, dig in the dirt a little, and burn off some of those chocolate calories. And that’s my Simple Pleasure for this week. Check out Dayle’s blog to see what our other friends are enjoying.

I’m also linking up with Rachel and the Company Girls.

Thanks for reading!
Jan

Posted in I Remember When... (my OWN stories), Uncategorized | 47 Comments

What Color is Your Veneer?

When I started back to college, I bought a nice wood 2-drawer file cabinet. We needed more file space anyway, and I wanted a decent-looking piece of furniture because my desk was in our bedroom at the time. Thanks to Brent’s assembly skills (hey, at least I unpacked the pieces from the box), it turned out well. It stands straight, the drawers slide smoothly and the cherry finish is beautiful.

Now, almost six years later, I am having my first problem with the cabinet. These days I work at a bigger desk in our extra-bedroom-turned-office, and the file cabinet doubles as a printer stand. The drawers still work just fine, but the front panel of the top one has developed an embarrassing flaw… the cherry wood along the edges is coming loose. This makes it glaringly obvious that the piece is not cherry at all. Well, a thin outer layer is cherry, but the vast bulk of the panel consists of some heavy, pale “wood product” that looks like glued-together ground-up wood, sort of like those unnatural frozen chicken nuggets, only using sawdust instead of chicken dust.

The cherry veneer strip on the top edge of the drawer front persists in standing up just a little, as if trying to discreetly peek at the top of my desk. But the strip along the left side is more openly rebellious; a good four inches of it have pulled away from the top, and the end of the strip stands out half an inch away from its sawdust base. I keep catching cords on it when I connect or move stuff. Besides, that funky albino wood product glimmering from underneath the sproinging veneer distracts me when I am trying to think.

Excuse me, I’d better do something about that…

Okay, I’m back. A little wood glue sealed the strips back into place, and restored the dignified cherry-wood look of my file cabinet. But of course it’s still albino wood product on the inside. That got me to thinking… people who know me personally know what I look and act like on the outside–but is that the real me, or just a veneer?

Everyone knows about the “Eddie Haskell”-type character who acts all polite in front of parents, but bullies other kids as soon as the grownups are out of sight. “Polite” is a veneer and Eddie wears it on purpose. I don’t think mine is that extreme, but it is so easy to try to give the impression that I am a little more mature, a little smarter, a little more important than I really am. And I can’t even tell I am doing it. I think we’re all in the same boat; our human motives are just too elusive and tangled for us to understand fully. The prophet Jeremiah knew all about this 2600 years ago when he wrote:

The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?

Hmm… good question. Who can know the unknowable… maybe someone who is all-knowing? Yep, Jeremiah goes on quoting God in the next sentence:

I, the LORD, search the heart,
I test the mind,
Even to give every man according to his ways,
According to the fruit of his doings.

So, if you tend to present an artificial face to the world, or are simply unsure of your own motives, my best advice is to admit it to the one who already sees past your veneer. He knows what you are really made of and, if you ask, will show you where you need change. If I can actually grow into the person I want to be, then that will show on the outside too. My goal is to do away with veneers altogether.

But then what will I do with all this wood glue?

Thanks for reading!
Jan

PS: Scripture quotes are from Jeremiah chapter 17, verses 9 and 10 in the New King James Version.

Posted in A Page From My Journal, I Remember When... (my OWN stories), Uncategorized | 2 Comments

One Cent Cheaper

“Here’s your credit card back.” My son Greg, along for the ride, was pumping a tank of gas for me. Regular unleaded, $2.88 a gallon. Soon he replaced the nozzle, twisted the gas cap back on, shut the little door, and tore off my receipt. Such service!

“Thanks, Kid.” As Greg buckled in I started the engine and pulled away from the pump and out onto the street. We hadn’t gone two blocks when I let out a groan. “Oh, man….”

“What’s wrong?” he said.

“Look: gas is $2.87 here!”

Greg rolled his eyes and then feigned exaggerated distress. “Oh, how awful! You just wasted, what, twelve cents?”

I glanced over at him. “Oh. Um. I guess you’re right; it’s no big deal.”

And he was right — my reaction was nothing short of irrational. Brent has a good job; has had for several years. We have no car payments and no trouble meeting our bills. As I thought it over, I realized that I don’t mind occasionally spending $40 or $50 for dinner out, though I could fix the same meal at home for around $9. While I don’t shop at the expensive clothing stores, if I really need a particular skirt or top and finally find just the right thing, I’ll buy it without qualm… even if it is not on sale.

When grocery shopping, I buy mostly store brands rather than the pricier national-brand items, but then I’ll splurge on fresh seafood and enticing produce. We might have cornbread with canned field peas one evening, and an elegant scallop sauté with asparagus the next.

So what’s up with this selective frugality? Why do I cheerfully plunk down several bucks for a pound of scallops, but kick myself when I fill up the car and then realize that I could have bought gas for one cent cheaper?

As usual, I have a theory about this. Years ago, when Brent’s industry was in a terrible slump, he went for a few years either unemployed or seriously under-employed. During those times, we watched every penny. Our budget was so tight it squeaked. We didn’t do anything that wasn’t in the four food groups–well, usually only three of them. Mac & cheese, Ramens… we ate like college students or something. Also, we used as little gasoline as possible. The kids and I walked to the library and the playground, and sometimes the grocery store. But sooner or later I would absolutely, positively have to buy gas — and when I did, you better believe I scoped out the cheapest place.

Once our finances stabilized and I could buy stuff like a normal person, I adapted with great thankfulness. But the lessons I learned, about how to get along on a little and prioritize what I spend, have stayed with me. Healthy, appealing food is important enough to invest in it, so I am happy to do just that. Suitable clothes for business, school, etc. — also important. However, when it comes to the truly mundane, like putting gas in the car, I turn into a real tightwad.

God brought us safely through the tough times, and remembering those times makes me appreciate the way he now provides so generously. As near as I can figure, my gas-price complex is a useful, lingering reminder NOT to take abundance for granted.

It’s also good for amusing the offspring.

Does anybody else have “selective frugality?” I’m linking up for Company Girls Coffee… please join us!

Thanks for reading!
Jan

Posted in I Remember When... (my OWN stories), Near As I Can Figure..., Uncategorized | 16 Comments